Deal of the Day: Citi Acquisition
Posted by RenaissanceTrophyWife on November 22, 2008
Check out this sweet announcement that I got wind of:
November 20 (Bloomberg) — The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup.
The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said.
“You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything,” said Ali.
The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS’s are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody’s and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS’s.
Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: “We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster.”
Shandu added, “We don’t call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better.”
Seriously, people. There are buyers out there with tons of cash, just waiting for the right business at the right price. Who says the market is in a slump?
The new banking paradigm:
MDs (managing directors) can be identified by the parrots on their shoulders. Real, live monkeys will now sit at desks and slave away over Excel, while analysts are relegated to swabbing the desks or rowing. Associates will bark useless orders at analysts and generally get in the way. VPs get to man the cannons to conduct “negotiations” with targets. Rum replaces bottle service, and fees will be paid in gold doubloons.
Oh, and let’s not forget the new logo: “Citi never sleeps” takes on a whole new meaning.
Arrr, matey!
