I went to lunch with the Startup Maven today.  We talked about work, eating too much turkey, the usual.  But the big issue was the guy one (hers).

Her boy may soon be shipped 3000 miles away for career purposes, but they’re young– at least by SF standards.  Too young to be engaged?  By her standards, yes.  And I agree with her on that.  But what exactly do you do when you’ve found someone you can grow with, overcome challenges with, and also be completely silly in front of?*  What does 3000 miles mean then?

The answer: not much, in the grand scheme of things.  But when it’s not only 3000 miles, but a new job and a different career track and moving away from family, the stakes are a lot higher.  And why is it that so often in heterosexual relationships, it’s the woman’s priorities that are compromised?

When we first started discussing this dilemma, I just kept my mouth shut and let her talk it out.  But what I wanted to do was burst out with, “Put yourself first.  Take care of your life, and think about what you need to do in order to make yourself happy.  Maybe that means staying at your current job.  Maybe that means going back to school.  But do it as if you were single, because if you compromise now because of him, and it doesn’t work out, the what-if scenarios may be too hard to bear.”

I didn’t have an outburst, and I listened.  And I rejoiced inside when she came to the same conclusion that I had so many years ago.  The Maven, for all her wisdom, is still young and has an incredible future ahead of her.  But what’s more valuable is that she knows her own worth, and isn’t afraid to invest in herself.  I don’t have any doubts that she’ll end up exactly where she wants to be.  (And I guess that would be the rationale behind my singledom that almost lasted the entire duration of med school.)

We’re particularly close because there are certain similarities in our backgrounds, although she’s several years my junior.  My decision wasn’t nearly as hard as hers as I had nobody special to leave behind, but it’s still a long road to travel alone.  And when she asked my opinion, knowing why I’d chosen the way I had, I was able to answer her truthfully, that good things are worth the wait.

Without time to come into my own, especially in such formative years, I don’t think I would’ve been in the right frame of mind to leave medicine and take the step that will define my new career path.  And I definitely wouldn’t have been in a position to build the incredibly happy relationship I now have with the love of my life.  Timing, however, is of critical importance, and I also told the Maven not to forget about that aspect.

While the exact outcome of the situation is still resolving, I’m glad to know that she’s thinking about her interests first and foremost, and that she’ll be confident in whatever decision they make, having thought about all the angles and their implications in her own life.  What do I want for the Maven?   I just want her to be happy, whether that’s here or a nation away.

Quoth the maven, “Evermore.”

I have no doubt.

*Sorry, my old English teacher would have my head for that sentence, but hey, it’s my blog…  and RTWs are allowed to be imperfect.